that must hurt. blood everywhere!

of one of those plug in the wall adaptor things for powering games, pedals etc. Ouch.

is hotter than the stuff they used to poor on invading hoardes over castle walls. I reckon

and NOT burned my tongue.

are in fact proof there is no god.

I had been around loads of times before but this time something seemed a bit off. Her Dad, who was usually a complete twat, was being extra specially nice to me and was more animated and cheerful then i had ever seen him. He was clearly as drunk as ever, but instead of sitting in the his usual spot chainsmoking and being a miserable cunt, he was up around the room telling jokes and actually being a nice person for the first time in years. He had some other friends around, including his best mate and his family, so the two of them were getting pissed and having a great time. He was also showing an unusual interest in the cooking of the dinner, which had always been left to his battered wife, and when it was finally ready he insisted on serving it up to everyone, over their shoulder style, jovially continuing with his banter with the sunday afternoon "Are you a leg or breast man? classic. As i sat there waiting for my turn, I prayed that he wouldn't ask me the question, as he would ultimately be referring to his own daughter when he told that tired old joke. Thankfully, he gave up on it when it came to me and instead said; "Here'ya Boy, you must be hungry!" as he piled my plate full of chicken and roast potatoes before sitting down for dinner. Everything was going ever so smoothly; the food was nice and, for once, there was a good atmosphere at the table. I was suffering with a nasty hangover and was wolfing down the first meal i'd had in 24 hours. I picked up a small roast potato on my fork and put it straight in my mouth. As it hit the back of my tongue I instantly felt a seering, burning, agonising sensation fill my mouth. My eyes started to water instantly and, as it touched the roof of my mouth, the pain increased. I let out a little cough as i tried to release the heat from my mouth. "Everything alright, Paul?" her dad piped up. I looked over to him with watery eyes and he gave me a knowing wink before looking over to his smirking friend. The fucker had deliberately super heated a potato and stuck it on my plate. He must have been microwaving it for a good hour or so before dinner because it was hotter than the sun! Ordinarily, i would have spat it out on the plate, but i didn't want to give the cunt the satisfaction and besides, i also didn't want to cause a scene and show myself up infront of everybody at the table, which is what he obviously wanted.
"Yeah i'm fine", I struggled to say; "something just went down the wrong way". I then did my best to chew up the nuclear potato and swallow it as fast as i could. It was destroying the inside of my mouth and it was equally as painful when it went down my throat but i couldn't let the bastard win. Every mouthful after that was a struggle. I couldn't taste a thing and my mouth was burnt worse than it had ever been before. After the meal was finished, I thanked everyone and me and my girlfriend made our way out. Her dad outstretched his hand and said; "Enjoy that, did ya?" with a toothless smile.
"Yeah very much so, Tony. The potatoes were lovely. You'll have to tell me how you did them?" I replied.
"Well come around again next week and i'll show ya." he said as he squeezed my hand that little bit tighter.
"No no no, Tony. I insist you come up to us next time." I said, throwing him a wink before saying goodbye again to everyone and getting into the car with my waiting girlfriend.
"Well that went well, i thought" she innocently said.
"Yeah it did go very well.....except for this" I responded as i reached into my mouth and pulled out the flapping bit of burnt off skin from the top and dangled it in front of her.
"Jesus, what did that? she asked.
"Oh i don't know, i just seemed to have one potato that was a bit hotter than all the others. I'll be alright in a minute". I replied before we drove off home.

Well the next time, i'm pleased to say he did come over and i cooked his wife and him a lovely 3 course dinner. I kept looking over to him every so often to try and unnerve him and trick him into thinking that every next bite could be the one that fucked him up. But i'm better than that, there's no way i would stoop to that level and try and deliberately physically harm someone with a cheap shot like that. And, besides, I had already taken a piss in his cup of tea and wiped my arse on his knife and fork before he arrived.