No Googling, obvs.

"For starters, unlike Vampire Weekend, ? don’t look like the Nazi young Republicans who made fun of you in high school. Unlike Gnarls Barkley, they have more than one good song on their album. Unlike Arcade Fire, ? aren’t Mormons. Unlike The White Stripes, ? has a drummer who can actually, you know, drum. Unlike Animal Collective, ? actually play, you know, music. Unlike M.I.A., they don’t sell their politically conscious music to a multinational corporation (Honda).

Furthermore, unlike The Libertines, probably no one from ? will turn into a Kate Moss-courting junkie. Unlike Man Man, Pitchfork Media doesn’t like ? (which, by extension, means they’re actually pretty good). Unlike Tapes ’n’ Tapes and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, ? don’t sound like they blew their whole wad on one album. Unlike Franz Ferdinand, ? can actually play their instruments. Unlike Cat Power, ?’ live shows are actually fun. Unlike Hot Chip, you can actually dance to ?. Unlike The Rapture, ?’ voice doesn’t resemble a pre-pubescent boy after his first whippet. Unlike TV on the Radio, ?’ music is good not just because it’s “different.”

In addition, unlike The Hives, ? are humble. Unlike Band of Horses, they won’t yell and flip the bird to San Diego concertgoers. Unlike Beirut, they aren’t rich kids posing as gypsies. Unlike Devendra Banhart, they’re not nonsensical hippies who secretly hang out with Lindsay Lohan. Unlike Iron & Wine, not all their songs sound the same. Unlike The Strokes, they’re not blatantly ripping off The Velvet Underground. Unlike Interpol, they’re not blatantly ripping off Joy Division. Unlike She Wants Revenge, they’re not blatantly ripping off Interpol ripping off Joy Division. Unlike Rilo Kiley, ?’ singer hasn’t kissed Fred Savage. Unlike Spoon, ? use horns as part of their overall sound, not because the singer ran out of ideas.

Unlike Art Brut and The Hold Steady, ?’ lyrics aren’t just wankerish bitching. Unlike Battles and Mars Volta, you don’t need to be stoned to enjoy ?’ music. Unlike Modest Mouse, ? don’t need to hire a washed-up old guitarist to make what is essentially the same crappy album. Unlike Feist, ? doesn’t have supermodel looks to make up for his mediocre voice.

Unlike The Decemberists, you don’t need a dictionary or an encyclopedia to appreciate ?’ lyrics. Unlike Death Cab for Cutie, ? aren’t a corporate-rock band posing as the kings of indie rock. Unlike Arctic Monkeys, they don’t suck. And, unlike every other buzz band out there, they don’t have the word “Wolf,” “Bear,” “Team” or “Fuck” as part of their name."